Thursday, October 22, 2015

Happy 29th Birthday to me~~

Its midnight now... Happy birthday to me... here I am lying on my bed, unable to sleep... babies beside me...

Nobody bothered to stay till midnight to wish me... no surprises no gift.. snoring got laah.. *sigh* is it caused by old age we no longer be bothered whose birthday? is it cos we are married for FIVE years that birthday wishes and love is no longer important? *SIGH*


Something I would like to pen down on my 29th birthday..

I'm spending my birthday ALONE.. In osotto... Which is something I've planned since last month..

Away from work, away from kids, always from husband.. It's a pampering day for my own self. If everything goes well, so will next year birthday be.. Another pampering day for only me...
Sometimes I felt the life decision I made sucks. And that's how I'm not contented in this life anymore..

If I have insisted to get OUR OWN HOME before marriage.. Life probably is better now.. I'll be MARRIED to my husband, not his family as well.. Which will make me more sane...

If I have not been so h**rny and lazy and san that condom.. I don't need to get married that early. Probably get to enjoy a few more years of single life happier with a boyfriend. And maybe a few more years in KE too..

I shouldn't have help my husband in his biz.. Not that I'm a bad wife.. But this business have taken us apart... All the stress from the business, brothers, workload, responsibilities making us drifting further.

At times I have bad thoughts of getting a divorce and freeing myself from this self-brought torturous life..

Marriage.. Sometimes I do wonder what is it for apart from binding us legally as husband and wife.. I was waaaaay happier before i got married..
Marriage is like you're automatically bound to do the extra house chores and paperwork of your husband.. And I didn't see that in our "marriage contract"

And since this kids.. Life is less sweet and excited as before marriage

Marriage makes a man(some men) think it's time to be more responsible with life and hence.. Less spending in entertainment.. More investment in a better life.. More savings=less fun

Good.. But not happy..

I don't get it, is it only my husband or everyone is like that?

Marriage makes guys think they have won the courtship and so, no need to put effort in loving the wife more, surprising her, showering more love... Which I think it's nessesary to keep the fire burning... Lifetime..

Marriage means you can be pouty or frowny to your wife and speaking less lovingly to her and she can't do anything cos she married to him... Unless the D word comes over... Which everything is too late to recover...

Yes I know social media is where we show everybody the happy parts. So I see people spending fortunes to go holiday overseas and get a hinge of jealousy. Yes we may not know probably she had arguements with her husband a day before, or work like shit at home before the trip, or family stress upon her before this trip.. But still.. Flight to LA and JW Mattiot hotel? Fuh..

But that jealously turn to sadness that my passport was not as fully used like last time. Jet setting to so many countries.. Enjoying life.. The the self questioning will appear asking did I marry the wrong guy? I should have choosen xxx instead.. I shouldn't have resign that job that at times make me unhappy and lonely but still get to let me fly around, shop around and earn MORE money...

Some incidents just make me think. Why me?? Why must it be MY DUTY to laundry the clothes, iron the clothes, filing the bills, make milk for my kids, cooing them to sleep, settling their tantrumous cries, cleaning the house.. Etc.. When I also have a full time office job? Where are my alone time? I cant even stay back slightly later in office to surf the internet! and I cant even do it at home! What life is this???? Am I not belong to myself anymore once im married with kids?????

Why I should contemplate with earning a mere 2k job and should be contemplating when ITS NOT ENOUGH???

Why should I save and spend less because I earn so less???

Why why why.. This questions will never get a satisfactory answer.. It's just things you "should" do when YOU ARE MARRIED...