Happy 29th Birthday to me~~

Its midnight now... Happy birthday to me... here I am lying on my bed, unable to sleep... babies beside me...

Nobody bothered to stay till midnight to wish me... no surprises no gift.. snoring got laah.. *sigh* is it caused by old age we no longer be bothered whose birthday? is it cos we are married for FIVE years that birthday wishes and love is no longer important? *SIGH*

Anyway....

Something I would like to pen down on my 29th birthday..

I'm spending my birthday ALONE.. In osotto... Which is something I've planned since last month..

Away from work, away from kids, always from husband.. It's a pampering day for my own self. If everything goes well, so will next year birthday be.. Another pampering day for only me...
******
Sometimes I felt the life decision I made sucks. And that's how I'm not contented in this life anymore..

If I have insisted to get OUR OWN HOME before marriage.. Life probably is better now.. I'll be MARRIED to my husband, not his family as well.. Which will make me more sane...

If I have not been so h**rny and lazy and san that condom.. I don't need to get married that early. Probably get to enjoy a few more years of single life happier with a boyfriend. And maybe a few more years in KE too..

I shouldn't have help my husband in his biz.. Not that I'm a bad wife.. But this business have taken us apart... All the stress from the business, brothers, workload, responsibilities making us drifting further.

At times I have bad thoughts of getting a divorce and freeing myself from this self-brought torturous life..

Marriage.. Sometimes I do wonder what is it for apart from binding us legally as husband and wife.. I was waaaaay happier before i got married..
Marriage is like you're automatically bound to do the extra house chores and paperwork of your husband.. And I didn't see that in our "marriage contract"

And since this kids.. Life is less sweet and excited as before marriage

Marriage makes a man(some men) think it's time to be more responsible with life and hence.. Less spending in entertainment.. More investment in a better life.. More savings=less fun

Good.. But not happy..

I don't get it, is it only my husband or everyone is like that?

Marriage makes guys think they have won the courtship and so, no need to put effort in loving the wife more, surprising her, showering more love... Which I think it's nessesary to keep the fire burning... Lifetime..

Marriage means you can be pouty or frowny to your wife and speaking less lovingly to her and she can't do anything cos she married to him... Unless the D word comes over... Which everything is too late to recover...

Yes I know social media is where we show everybody the happy parts. So I see people spending fortunes to go holiday overseas and get a hinge of jealousy. Yes we may not know probably she had arguements with her husband a day before, or work like shit at home before the trip, or family stress upon her before this trip.. But still.. Flight to LA and JW Mattiot hotel? Fuh..

But that jealously turn to sadness that my passport was not as fully used like last time. Jet setting to so many countries.. Enjoying life.. The the self questioning will appear asking did I marry the wrong guy? I should have choosen xxx instead.. I shouldn't have resign that job that at times make me unhappy and lonely but still get to let me fly around, shop around and earn MORE money...

Some incidents just make me think. Why me?? Why must it be MY DUTY to laundry the clothes, iron the clothes, filing the bills, make milk for my kids, cooing them to sleep, settling their tantrumous cries, cleaning the house.. Etc.. When I also have a full time office job? Where are my alone time? I cant even stay back slightly later in office to surf the internet! and I cant even do it at home! What life is this???? Am I not belong to myself anymore once im married with kids?????

Why I should contemplate with earning a mere 2k job and should be contemplating when ITS NOT ENOUGH???

Why should I save and spend less because I earn so less???

Why why why.. This questions will never get a satisfactory answer.. It's just things you "should" do when YOU ARE MARRIED...

FUCK MARRIED LIFE.

Why you so choosy...?!

Sometimes, I feel sad that hubby is choosy at food. Growing up typical chinese way, his mum cooks noodle, fried meehoon, rice for breakfast for him since young. (Not like purposely cook for him only la, the whole family, I guess probably his mum need to work so she cook those full filling food so they won't get hungry that fast?) off track a bit, I also grew up eating bread for breakfast, rice or noodle for lunch/dinner but I get bored eating same thing everyday and now I like to try on new food/explore new food like western, japanese, korean.. Etc

So, I don't get it when hubby only wants rice. Rice. Rice. *sigh*

Like last week, I suggested we celebrate his birthday earlier cos this weekend is winter soltice and his mum gonna cook and have family dinner. So happen we were in klcc and I suggest western and he kinda reluctant to want to eat western. Well, klcc don't have nice chinese food and we are only the 2 adults that actually eat, can't order a lot. Then we passed by japanese restaurant and I said ok jap food got rice.. He like "ok la ok la" not the  "wow let's try some japanese food" kind 

So we ordered some Japanese set they have and he choosed FRIED RICE as additional order #musteatrice. =.=" *sigh*

And I'm not sure he was rushing that night to go home for soccer, or just not that into the jap food... he ate most of the rice and I ate most of the set's food or sashimi, tempura etc (he tried each of them once and he's done and left them for me... I'm not sure he wanna let me eat more or he's done laa..) but that dinner was a rushed one and I felt not enjoyable... I didn't even have chance to take a picture/family picture! And alivia was cranky cos she sleepy and need me to soothe her aka rock her to sleep. Made a bit fuss there in the small restaurant.. Hmmm. 

Made me not sastified instead. Although he doesn't seems to be.. Dunno leh.. Sigh... I felt when I'm out with him nowadays I'm in a rush and can't buy anything. My trip to the mall is only walk around. Didn't even window shop not enter any shop unless that shop have his things or I really need to get something in that shop... He just wanna get thru it and find a place to sit, smoke and iPad-ing. Then ask me to walk around myself. Sad. 

Or course, our outing at least now includes Annabell so he can't smoke if bell is there so while he sit and enjoy I have to push annabell and shop around. How troublesome? Those narrow aisle is so hard to navigate. No need to buy clothes cos need to try. How to leave Annabell out? Thank goodness nowadays I don't really clothes shopping in the mall(thanks to my turning-Aunty-style-downgraded-and-stingy-to-get-branded wear) 

If I go out to shop alone (I doubt hubby let lor.. Esp alivia is so young now...) I am definately in a rush too cos either hubby will rush me home soon (keep calling with a seriously annoyed tone cos why-am-I-not-home-yet-pissed) or I'll feel guilty and worried hubby can't manage 2 kids or I will have stress in my mind that mil is gonna call me soon so just hurry up and finish already kinds of felling. I'm really unhappy like that. Better not shop right?

Anyway main point of this post is I just saw some ex colleague honeymoons trip to Hawaii and how her hubby seems so happy and so excited like that trying new food in Korea and Hawaii and food my excolleague used to eat when we layover and taking cool laughing pictures and here I am thinking hubby will not eat this, won't eat that. Dislike korean, don't like food w/o rice. How to go holiday when he need rice to survive?? I was doubting he won't enjoy his trip!

How to go Europe when rice/asian food is scarce. Have to like eat meat and western kind of food the whole trip? Heck he dislike pasta!! *horror*

I mean when we dating that time although he less keen on western food he swallow them still but after marriage only he showed his true color of disliking many food? It's so depressing! I feel depressing..!

Not only that. He doesn't like to try new food even though it's asian food! I've been pestering him to try the "boat noodle" for weeks and he seems not keen to go. I'm not sure why lor.. Yes I heard the noodles is normal la just for the sake of some pics and selfie but he is not keen to go try! My point is that! And it's not even expensive! 

Instead today he went to eat "ban Mee" alone at a new shop nearby. And his game obsession with his iPad/phone really irritates me. He can no longer sit down for a nice face to face chat. Yes he is listening to you while you talk but it's just not right. 

Right now I'm like looking for ways to save our sweet times but yet it seems to be ignored :'(

I miss flying.... :*(

I dont miss the job.. I miss travelling... T_T

I see everybody in fb... new destination.. new activities.. I wanna join tooo.... T_T

I miss Korea... yes I do... I miss four seasons.... 

I miss flying to USA... yes.. apart from the long hours... but I miss shopping their local brands and factory outlets...

I regret not finding out that joaan, micheals and many other craft stores.. exist before I stop... or purchased some sorta craft machine then...

I jealous see ppl fly to SFO... a place I havent set foot yet..

I miss wearing my winter wear and boots...

I regret to not getting myself a Chanel bag before I stop....

I miss enjoying my LO and DO alone doing my thing... I miss pampering my own self alone... 

Enjoying high life and higher pay... traveling to different countries and cities... shop what I want, buy what I want..

Times passes by very fast when you fly too...

Pro and cons... but still.. It's better than saving up large sum of $ harder than previously and pay own ticket and cheap hotel and travel only like once a year..

Europe? probably once every 10 years??

I wish to have a chance to fly again... maybe not with KE,... but now that Im married... leaving too far from Hubby is not a nice thing....  like I wanna go SQ or Cathay.. but that means going far away for a long time w/o Hubby... dont think I can miss that...

Im 26 already... age limit coming soon... and I doubt Hubby let me fly... but I realy really miss!!

SIGH.....

I know.. emo post again.. Im emo today.... emo and angry... I dont know how to let my frustration out... how to settle things that are not all in my hand.

Once a month...

I noticed my blogging rate now is kinda once a month... well... on a positive side... better than none...

On a sad note... a bit down today when P came... I thought I was pregnant... sigh... it's like a week late.. I noticed a little spotting a few weeks back that I thought its the "implantation"... then my tummy suddenly lower bottom bloated.. I thought.................... sigh................... :'(

But then I have no sickness (thank godness) or cravings.. well... I snack most of the times in office.. Im not sure how pregnancy cravings goes.. And the bloating went off like last week.. and this morning I have some kinds of uneasiness symptoms in my tummy..... 

Already having thoughts when will be my baby's due date.. perhaps a 12.12.12 baby... :( maybe I put my hopes to high to get a dragon baby... Hubby ask me to take it slow... dont make myself stressed.. but how to not stress every month anticipating when my period will come or not??

Sigh.. I dunno la... No dragon... snake lor..

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No crafts project done so far... Im losing hope on my 2012 resolution.. but yet im still spending $$ buying scrapbooking tools to hoard.. and still wanting more.. >.< last month spend around RM170 buying something from ebay.. this month spend similar amount buy punchers and embelisments on sale in joann and s&c.. >.<

Still DREAMING to get myself a slice machine and a photo printer... like doing a BIG business whereas nothing had started! 

Horrible.. then also have the feeling to buy more stuff.. made Hubby go IOI last weekend to buy me a cotton dress and a skirt from Mango Outlet after feeling I have no new work clothes...1 skirt got an iron burnt mark not sure by me or the maid, 1 nice high waisted snake skin pattern got a tear.. (tho mended.. still feel... emmm...) 2 pants are too small for my size now... another skirt looks weird on me due cos im just too fat >.<

Wanna dress more glam to work but actually apart from entertaining myself there's no purpose cos no 1 to see or admire... wheares the other 1 only wear casual to work... but every Friday and Saturday when I make myself a casual work wear day... I spent quite a few minutes sitting on the bed looking at my wardrobe thinking what should I wear.. I have worn this, I have worn that... I just washed these, I just ironed these... that too sexy OTT for office... etc... >.<

Buy more clothes, no place to put.. fashion nowadays are all body hugging and Im not in my confidence now to wear body hugging clothes... argh... I just have lots to complain... bear with me... or click somewhere else...

Better stop here.. Taaa... 

Weekend~

I watched all the season finale of my favourite American dramas on Saturday... =D  (GG, OTH, DH... TVD ady watch) yeah I know I am so late to catch up but yeah I was that busy.... kinda...

I went back to Seremban finally, after near 2 months. Yes Seremban is near Kajang, but this is the only weekend I get to have Saturday and Sunday off.. ;) or just tad too lazy to go back cos I rather spend my only Sunday chillax... =P

Though I did not achive a 40 visits this 1-10th (some extra $ incentive if I do) but I kinda got no more mojo when I know the yellow rally will affect everywhere... :(

Yet this 2 days was just too short and not enough for me to start a layout scrapbooking or a little bit of knitting, I wanted to knit my own sun hat and some baby booties for Soo's new born baby girl~ can't wait for her to stop by KL and meet her... I hope...

Also didn't have the "time" to edit my Macau-Zhuhai-Shenzhen pictures.. (mostly Macau, cos I stoped taking pictures in mainland due to excessive window shopping and shopping =P

Mr Hubby went pms just now for I did my laundry late at night and ask him to help me to hang it up... He don't get it why I love doing laundry at night.. But I have my reason... the sun here is limited due to condo blocks so if I do my laundry early morning Im afraid it won't be dry enough by evening.... So doing laundry at night, the clothes are like 40% drier by morning... at least I done my laundry at night I don't have to wake up earlier to do it in the morning = more sleep...

And Hubby was like "why can't you do it in the weekend??" like hello, I have to work on Saturdays, and if Sunday I would love to got some sleep in than stressing to wake up by the alarm just to do laundry.. And these 2 days weather was a bit cookoo... I wanted to wash the bedsheets.. It's already 2 months and its starting to have.. "nice" smells.. =(  And I just can't only do laundrys on weekends? I might have to clean the room, do ironing (though thank goodness I din't have to this weekend) Not that I have maid to help me... >( and not that YOU will help... >( >( Mr.Un-appreciate!!

Anyway.. enough of complains about Mr Hubby.. time to sleep.. hope to be able to leave office early the whole next week and start editing picture to blog and post.. T__T

A Selfish Bitch

Ok. Emo gone, post deleted. I was damn emo ok? PMS + headache is not the time to meet Alison.

I need to learn BLACK MAGIC

Can someone tell me / show me where to find BLACK MAGIC or VOODOO?

I dont care its chinese, voodoo, malay or whatever.

I need to JiNX the BLOODY KOREAN AIR SCHEDULER. F***ing lazy guy and bad attitude and terrible.

Gave me 2 Atlanta and 2 NewYork. The Longest and Horrible flight. EVER. And so little $$.

I wan cry.

please please please share me some voodoo jinx.

PLEASE!

A moment of silence please....

Let me reflect on what I had done.

Again.

Spent USD 200 on skin cares and make ups.

USD 36.49 on ebay for a very normal vintage like tube dress (not that I really want it but dint expect that I manage to bid it)

Soon, as I return home to kl, need to bank in on another reserved tube top from another online source.

D-I-E

********************************************************

I saw a Prada bag earlier.

I dont know how much but yet another strong urge to get my hands on 1. shit

Before the end of the month I can already estimate my bill and spendings....

I dont know what the heck happen to me. :-/

help.

STOP.

emo gone... post deleted...

sucky schedule

sigh... schedule's out again.. and this time, I have nothing to look forward to..

I just felt so heavy to fly seeing the same schedule again and again..

another atlanta and frankfurt.. and damn lot of quick turn.. so sien...

seriously, twice frankfurt is enough for me.. there's really nothing to see or go in frankfurt. unless somebody wants me to get them an LV or branded stuff... cos I cant afford to buy myself one...

plus im not really feeling great today.. even though its chap goh mei.. last day of CNY..

I miss him again. and i actually called him yesterday.. crying and stuff..

but yet nothing changed.

this make it even heavier when i see that boring schedule.. at least if they give me paris, i have something to look forward to.. but frankfurt....... sigh...

sien sien sien sien sien sien sien..

my life sucks.

Emo craps

Have you people watch nanny diaries? Well, I just did..

Im not trying to write a synopsys or a movie review.. for me, it was just another chick flick, if im categorizing it well..

Im not watching it on the cinema either..

Yeap, im a downright illegal downloader.. I love movies, and this job isn’t allowing me to frequent movies either… not to say, im so single right now..

Awwww… its totally not that fun watching with only friends right?

I mean, of course it is great, watching with friends especially besties.. but for me, it’ll be GREATER to cuddle up for a movie.. you know, cold air conditioning, dark surroundings.. romantic endings… you get what I mean..

Yeah nanny diaries was a nice, great movie, with a red umbrella like mary poppins… but midway thru, when the scriptwriter was trying to squeeze in some touchy moments, making you cant upheld that tears any longer……..

Ok. If you don’t get touched easily, then I am the touchy one

Alright

Get to the point of blogging.. but I guess as I have wrote this long, im feeling a lil better now…

That’s my point of blogging… to release what I held in my useless brain, and touchy heart.

And tonight, I am emo again.

“you always like that laa Alison” my conscience telling me

As I’ve been flying with Aimee for the past whole month, and being having some hectic plans, all way thru december and early january, I have no time or chance of being emo..

But today, I got an individual room… like I said, normally I have room sharing basis as a junior, but I guess hotel got some extra rooms today.. so I got one room for me and only me…

yeap, get to make lots of noise without actually worried I’ll disturb others.. gotta throw all my stuff around the room without fearing people will say im a messy freak (I AM!!)

And gotto sleep whatever time I like too… cos tomorrow’s a day off in Incheon.

So I went to the month long overdue sauna visit, had supper and watch 2 movies.. after a 14 hours and 30 minutes flight back from Atlanta.

Total awaken hours: 2 for getting ready+1 before flight briefing and traveling+14.30 flight hours+1 hour debrief and travel back to hotel+ 2 hours dinner and groceries shopping+1.30 sauna and 4.30 hours movie time+1 hour blogging

Total: 25 hours 30 minutes??!!

Terror leh!!

Ok la.. not so qua cheong la… I had 4 hours of nap time in flight and a 10 minute nap after sauna… if that counts… ;-)

I still haven’t got directly into my blogging tonight…

While watching near the end of nanny diaries, where the touchy things starts, I cried.

I sobbed.

Hard.

Not because it was so touching… yes it was a touching movie, but I could had never cried so hard..! It was just a movie!

But cos I felt alone… again

I truly wish there’s someone to talk to me here, to hug me when I cry… to give me a caring kiss on my forehead.

I hate lonely

Hate

I could look so strong when somebody is around, but once I am alone again, I felt lonely. I felt weak.

I don’t know does other crews have such situation, but I do. And even if they felt lonely, they can call their boyfriends. Some call their mummy too...

I have no boyfriend to call… sound pathetic huh?

No. I can always call my ex ( he did say so) but I don’t cos I don’t feel he can even help!

I wanna call my mummy.. But it’s midnight here as I type, waking them up at this time is no good, plus, I am an independent girl to my mummy, I’m raised to be independent. calling her at this time, will make her worry sick. And calling her to tell her im emo and lonely makes it worse… and weird, cos I never had done that..

I know some crews cry for missing their families (sorry if your reading this, you know who!) but I don’t miss my family that made me cry!

Hey! I love my family! But not to the extend of crying. Like I said, grew to be independent. Can still manage without them…

I want something else. A single person of my dreams.. who could make me relax and feel needed.

Im just such an attention seeker.. I know..

Not to brag, I’ve never been single since I started dating (bad history) and thus being single now is really hard to bear… you know… sigh…

wtf.

im going to watch another movie.

saddist..

Sigh... because of this fucking schedule i have to stay home. While my whole family fly off to Krabi Island, Thailand... aih...

Fuck Korean Air. Fuck fuck fuck

This is the 2nd family vacation that i missed... the other time was their trip to Hanoi, but i have to stay cos i was doing my internship.. for the sake of my final score, i stay...

but this year, i have to stay again cos im, again, not entitled for some fucking precious leave. thus missing another vacation

DAMN!!

There's just so much cons working as a stewardess... but leaving the job is not a choice... :(

and girls out there are crazy bout joining and becoming one.. glamorous it seems... get to travel, high pay, bla bla bla... glamorous my ASS

gettting bullied by koreans for the culture differences, language differences cos stupid koreans really cant speak a fucking english and those fucking seniority thing... i just fucking hate it!

well, sorry for so using so much of rude words, but its really frustrating being left behind for such a nice beach trip you know...

i know, you guys out there might say since i am a stewardess, i already travelled to as far as Europe countries, what is krabi island...?

then you guys are WRONG!

yes, i am lucky to fly around. but about travelling, sometimes, you'd wish your family is with you to tour around, than wandering off alone or with those crews. sometimes, it's just nice to take a family photo with the background of london. or new york. just not all single shots. you know what i mean?

and once again, cos korean air is just FUCKING stingy, they aint any long day off there, maximum you'll only get ONE fucking day off.. no matter how far or how long the hours you work.. you get 24 hours to rest max. kinda like coolie you know.

Stewardess... what is nice about it?

Stupid woman...

I've tried my best... I've hinted enough. but yet you cant seems to take a single hint... are you acting dumb or really dumb? I know im behaving dumb for wanna give you another chance. but though no matter how dumb im acting, you never want to turn that ego switch off... you never get a hint!

no matter how much u said you're worried, will be there if i needed you, but the fact everything is just a lie.. or should i say, easy to say, hard to do..

when there's time i needed you most, you couldn't be there for me. you seems to gone a little over hardworking on your part time.

this is not once nor twice i've hinted and giving chance... i've even give way once too many to count... but yet where is your part of share? why is it not the other way, you begging for that chance? is being a bachelor more fun? flirt with whoever you like, random sex, freedom to date? dont you once miss our moments?

dont you once felt too lonely? cos i do. it is weighing me down. I couldnt breath and near to suffocation..

for i keep telling myself, i've given up on you. I never love you no more. I shall be strong. I shall stay strong... But no matter how hard i tried... i am the one always ended up tearing... instead of you...

i never want to be a stupid woman, but yet i kept stepping into that trap. I keep finding a way to climb back up but you've have set way too many traps over the time... i kept falling... and hurting... heard of that song, killing me softly? you are doing that to me...

but yet, where are you? why arent you busy untangling or removing these traps? is a teh tarik with your members of the same association? or a game or two with miss b.i.t.c.h more important?

or am i the BITCH?

To be loved again...

i wanna blog about my flight today... but as i on my laptop, log into the internet, i got emotional... i guess "auntie" wanna come visit, as i tend to have ups and downs emotion during the pre time... hey every girl has it ok...

suddenly, i've missed him. I was only thinking bout him all the time during my duty... then when i saw him online, I was so happy, i sent him an i miss you message.

things started getting emo when he remembers my birthday, and ask me what i want. but for this particular birthday, i dont feel like wanting anything. Anything, that can be bought over by money.

so i told him i want nothing that he can get for me or i can get it myself. and he guessed it right, i need the caring feeling again. caring feeling not from family, or friends, but a special someone. who will make that care very special to me and only me...

as i type this, im getting more and more emo, tears just keep coming...

I just hate being single! why do i have to be single? at this time, where emotional support is needed urgently... WHY?

I need to be loved again...

this is the time, every horoscopes in magazines and newspapers tell me its time to flirt... but here i am, couldnt just flirt flirt. like it used to be 2 years ago. the alison today wanna be loved. not loving someone. and to the fact im tooo picky there's no other guy out there that i want

a part of me missing him and his stuff... part of me still couldnt forget his sins to trust him back. part of me wanna try something new. another part is desperate but another part wants to keep the dignity. another part just cant wait and be patient to try and move on! now... how many part of me do i actually have?

It was just yesterday, while showing christine some pics i took in redang, ( a holiday with him) I smiled silly with his pictures... I really miss him...

Im not posting this because im desperate. just jotting down my feelings that i couldnt share around like other normal thing. to me, this thing couldnt be told to anyone of my friends as they'll surely scold me silly for having such feelings but yet cos im emo today and this is my blog, i have rights to write what i want and what i feel without being judge.. oh wtf!

btw photos of chicago will be posted soon as soon as ms emo wanna leave me alone to peace... and also bout today's flight...