I cant believe it either.. it was all over.. just like that. a 2 years relationship ended just like that. not exactly 2 years but near there... just 3 months more..
I know we haven't been in a good terms lately. I noticed you'd ignored me quite a lot of times. i noticed. i freaked out emotionally once too many times and made you fed up of me. I tried winning you back, but were ignored. even seducing was, ignored. worse, attempt to hold your hand were rejected.
we used to hold hand even though you're driving...remember? i know, driving with 1 hand is dangerous but we were just used to that. that time, you'll kiss my hand, remember? I know you're not an expressive person. but that gesture does it. but how long you'd never done that, i've forgotten. I actually just remembered it lately while trying to get back some sweet memories...
i dont know whose fault is it as well. you or mine. you know im a big jealous freak. but yet you still goes out with girls and exes, claiming that they are only friends and nothing more. you claimed you dont like to lie to me and tell the truth. you got fed up cos i got emo with little stuff. but whenever i ask you not to meet your exes, though as friend, you said you couldnt do it. I was dissapointed. but to get to your term, i finally close an eye and let you be. but still you lost your interest to me. just because im always not around means you get all the freedom?
for all reason, you just loves the freedom. you hate me calling you and ask bout your whereabouts. you hates me checking on you. you felt by doing so im like your mother checking on you but i just wanna know. not that i could stop your ego-headed attitude. Not that if i know, i can stop you and you'll listen. no. there's once you promise you'll tell where you'll go before going. remember? but when i said you cant go, you said you have to, cos you already promised and its bad to cancel at the last min. i kept quiet. you thought you had got your victory. then later, outing with friends were skipped from being informed. you'll only tell when you are going for dinner with family, or drinking with your best buddies or gym time. other new friends or abnormal activity you'll try to skip, unless i know. and hell of an explaination you'll give and i trusted you. listened to you. so stupid of me huh.
you keep saying i like to think too much. i hated the fact that you stopped caring. i always hinted what i want but you never get it, or get it but never show it. for example, a very small gesture of calling everytime im back to kl is not a tough job. but you had not done that. i tried hinting, telling, crying. but you just never. reason was you got fed up on me.
how bout this. other people, including my dad can call overseas to get me. but you just gave a lame reason you cant. you dint even show an effort to activate international calling to call me. then you promise you'll get an idd card to call me, but till now, i never see one. then once i got my first pay, i spend a thousand to get a 3G phone, so you have no reason to not call. but still, the new phone just lay silently beside me. tell you what, even your mother willing to call me and ask bout me when im overseas. but you dint. i kept telling you can call my mobile, but your reason, once again, its expensive to call. at least if you'd try, you had a heart to try, but no, you dint. you just kept giving reasons and reasons. you know, if you could have called, i can call u back. i have idd card. main reason i bought it was to call you. its just the matter of i want you to lose that ego to call first. than i call every single time, including during past arguements although you were the wrong one. cos you were so ego you wouldnt call.
i always prefer to go home first after every flight. unpack and do my dirty laundries first but i do not mind if you ever offer to pick me from airport to your place, not that your place have no washing machine. but you never. even your buddies offered to pick me up before. but you dint. reason: its better to go home to the family first. im sorry but i've been with my family for the past 20 years. once or twice offering or inviting wouldnt hurt.
even though i hate taking trains, i took it just to meet u. 1 and 1/2 hours alone. i never demand you to fetch me from my hometown. how considerate? but you never never appreciate it.
how bout this, im going off for the night flight. expecting you to at least call to say goodbye, though dint see each other. sweet gesture like that will make me real happy. but 5 minutes before boarding, you still never call. i finally called you. you are out with your buddies for a teh tarik. ask you why never care to call, you thought i will be busy packing and getting ready so dint want to disturb me. well calling for a 5 minutes doesnt disturb me packing or getting ready to work right? i had too, told you this numerous times. but you seems never listen, or never care. same to after every flight back to kl. ok so you'd started working. will go to sleep early, but how bout a gesture to call in the morning? i dont mind waking up for that sweet gesture. but reason: afraid im tired so dint call at night nor morning. how bout afternoon? im awake? you can call during lunch time. im sure it wouldnt effect your work. but you dint. nor did you after work. mayb at night, before retiring to sleep, you remembered me, you will call. after all your after work activity, you will call. so you dont feel like you are reporting to me. that was also once in a blue moon. you may think this is a considerat gesture, but to me, i dont. i felt it as a lame reason. just to get away.
maybe it was a blessing in disguise. you cheating and me finding out thus a reason for me to break, than holding on to a heartless meaningless love. and reason how did i found out. cos you were careless. I had respected and trusted you and not check your phone all this while. so you were confident i will not check thus you keeping all the horny messages all those "girlfiends" of yours you get to know in friendster. But it was hard to bear the fact that this is the reason. And there's no 2nd chance. no turning back. cos doing so makes me even harder to trust you anymore. and just 4 days after, you would like me to forgive you and be friends again? though you had know that i dont keep anger in heart, that doesnt mean you can ask for it now. keep saying you felt guiltly but how do you prove?
during these few days, there are times i felt i've managed to let you go, but there are times i felt so terrible i dint know what to do. and to everybody i told bout my breakups commented i should have done that earlier. they'll say you are a heartless person, you're bad, you're not that handsome, not rich, no future... every single critic to make me feel better. I have to think are they consoling me or is it real i've been so blind i'd see past all your flaws and love you deeply.
Meanwhile i'll try to re-think some sweet memories, which i found it RARE, to keep my head from getting angry. it does effect my work you know... anyway... here you go:
JASON & ALISON
30th November 2005 - 27th August 2007
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